I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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