dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
