i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
