Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
