I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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