If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
