At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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