She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
