You made me cry and you don't even care
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
