My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
