I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
