The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
