things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
