"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
