I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
