You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
