So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
