I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
