Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
