I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
