I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
