The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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