when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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