i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
