I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
