Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
