2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
zippers are such a cool invention
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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