Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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