i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
