Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
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And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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