Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
