Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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