I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
