why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
