I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
