Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
