Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
