He uses pillows to masturbate.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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