i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
