Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
