the new term for farting is butt boxing.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
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Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
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My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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