she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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