I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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