You made me cry and you don't even care
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
