You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
