Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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