Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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