now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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