If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
