So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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