You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
