u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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