Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
